Dear Someone,
Hi there ! I don’t know how to begin. I never know. And may be that’s why I make things complicated in my life. I jump to things, without making a start. I rush into things, sometimes without thinking anything and sometimes after overthinking it. I’m not perfect, I never have been. And therefore this letter too won’t have a start and it won’t be perfect either. I’m sorry.
Life……is a journey. A small but complicated, A large and simple. We get out of our home, we step on the road, and we discover ourselves on it. Sometimes, we get to choose the road on which we have to go, and sometimes we don’t. But both these roads help us grow and discover. When we step out, we often believe that the road we choose will be full of sunshine, with trees on either sides, birds would watch us and sing, we’d see a rabbit running and hiding in the bushes, a freshwater lake flowing peacefully, and the people remarkably friendly. For the initial part of the journey, we feel like we made the right choice, but is it though ?
The minute we start experiencing things different than what we had expected, we begin to doubt ourselves, the harder the journey gets, the more we begin to hate ourselves.
Depression was on such journey for me. It was a beautiful morning when I stepped out. Chose my road, and there I went. But everything began changing. I lost my shadow, the birds went into their nests, the rabbit in its hole, the lake froze and the thick cover of fog surrounded the place. I could have walked away, but how could’ve I, I chose that road and it had to come out good, at least that’s what I expected and that’s how it had always been, so I began to run deep into it, only to find myself isolated in a dense dark horrific limbo I couldn’t get out from. And now the self-hatred part began. I chose the road and it landed me here, I began to loathe myself. I hated myself so much that any opportunity to escape the place was lost in front of my eyes. Because I saw nothing but illusions and self hate. The place was unforgiving, it grasped pleasure in my suffering. It was like a demantor from the Harry Potter. It demanded me to feel the pain, it demanded me to suffer and the more I suffered the more it smirked. I thought of ending it one day, but this torturous place didn’t let me die in peace too.
And hence, after months of suffering, I accepted where I was, I accepted that my road will never be full of sunshine again. My birds were dead and my rabbit was lost. The lake was just a barren land now and this was where I had to walk and learn things and spend rest of my life. I became the place I was living in.
This was about the road I chose to follow.
But somewhere in this world, there was someone who chose the other road once. She was a girl who never needed sunshines and birds, she was the sunshine wherever she went. She was the magic, not the black one, she was the one that healed people. But she was a human after all. Day in and day out she did these things for people but there were some mornings where she would wake up empty, nothing. She would cry the night and not let anyone know it.
It was one of those nights where her heart was heavy and eyes were teary. That day, she chose not to follow the road she used to and instead let the fate decide the road for her. She was on a different road that day. She went and made the loathful places look beautiful.
As she was walking down the lane, she found a place that was usually different than the rest. It wasn’t new for her, she used to see this type of place everytime but she never went deep into one. But today, she had let fate decide her journey and so she decided to check the place out. As she came deep into it, she found someone. There was a boy who was sitting alone with his hands on his knee and his head down counting the pebbles on the ground.
She came to him, and he didn’t even realise.
She extended her hands and greeted that boy with a Hi.
The boy had met people, but the place he was in was despised by everyone. People would come to him, give their sympathy, turn around, make foul statements and would go only to never come back again. She was no different to him. He changed so much that he couldn’t see the glitter in her eyes, the magic in her smile, and home in her long thick hair. He was casual in his reply, but the girl didn’t turn around and went away. She sat down next to him. This was different now, the boy was astonished thinking to himself how come she didn’t hate him for being where he was. Why didn’t she walk away and left him alone. But for the most part, she didn’t know either because it was fate who had asked her to go. But the minute she sat down next to him, she knew she wanted it. Perhaps she could relate to the boy, to his pain, endless nights, and harder days.
She talked to him. Her sunshine was back. She spent days, months with him. She listened to him with absolute zeal and talked about herself too. She pour words of wisdom, love, and care. This went very well and the place eventually began to light up. One day She held his hand, and asked him to walk with her. The boy hesitated but could do nothing but put on a smile which was absent for god knows how long.
She took his hand and made him come out of that loathful place.
And now here he was, back on the road again, with the most beautiful person he met in the journey. That he, was of course me.
So, dear “Someone” , I just want to tell you that I have not forgotten any of this, I have not forgotten you. I have loved you everyday since the day you held my hand for the first time. You have been the best friend I could ever ask for.
And the eventuality made me realise something – any road we walk on, is full of pain, suffering, and joy. May be that’s what life is. We think we know the road better, we know the life better and we make decisions, but perhaps life knows us better than we know it.
May be it was fate and the other reluctant road that brought you to me. Honestly, I don’t care. All I care about is you.
I told you I wasn’t perfect, this letter won’t be too. I make mistakes, I hurt you, I make you feel bad, but above all that I know that I love you, and I always will. And I promise, I’ll never leave your side, whatever the road we walk on.
Jammy 